You think it’s all rainbows and lollipops in fairyland? Then you, my friend, haven’t been properly introduced to the Unicorn Mafia. I was recently introduced to this nefarious organization while putting my toddler to bed.
Toddler: I love you.
Me: I love you, too.
T: I was talking to my unicorn.
M: Oh…ok.
T: His name is Joey Nails.
M: Joey Nails!? Seriously? Your unicorn’s name is Joey Nails?
T: Yes, daddy. And he likes to puke on people.
M: What?
T: Mommies and daddies and little children. He likes to puke on all of them.
M: That’s horrible!
T: Don’t you want Joey Nails to puke on you?
M: Absolutely not! No more Evil Dead movies for you, young lady!
T: *softly stroking Joey and whispering in his ear* It’s ok, he’s not angry—for now.
The heads of a rival family.
M: Um, so why does Joey puke on people?
T: He only does it to the bad people—the bad listeners.
M: O-ok.
T: Good night, daddy.
M: Y-you need anything else, honey?
T: I said, “good night, daddy.”
M: *Looking at Joey* Yes, dear.
I don’t know what the Unicorn Mafia puts in your bed to send a message, but I haven’t slept in days.
badaftertaste 