Mommy Brain

New post up over at about Mommy Brain, a horrible disease that my wife has and I must deal with on a regular basis. Usually by telling her I’m busy “writing.”

I promise I’ll have non-kid related stuff on here soon.


Forgot to Mention,

The suckers nice people at have decide to let me write stuff for them even though I’m not, and most likely never will be, a mom or funny.

If you were one of those people who came to this site just to read the parenting advice (and you need help if you do) or the adventures of me raising my child poorly, I will be transitioning those pieces over to their site. I’ll do something at least weekly. Go there now and enjoy my latest piece, The Top 5 Most Important Things I’ve Learned Raising a Toddler.

I’ll still be doing stupid things on here, so if you hated the kid crap, you’re in luck.



My Daughter is Mixed-Up with the Unicorn Mafia

You think it’s all rainbows and lollipops in fairyland? Then you, my friend, haven’t been properly introduced to the Unicorn Mafia. I was recently introduced to this nefarious organization while putting my toddler to bed.


Toddler: I love you.

Me: I love you, too.

T: I was talking to my unicorn.

M: Oh…ok.

T: His name is Joey Nails.

M: Joey Nails!? Seriously? Your unicorn’s name is Joey Nails?

T: Yes, daddy. And he likes to puke on people.

M:  What?

T: Mommies and daddies and little children. He likes to puke on all of them.

M: That’s horrible!

T: Don’t you want Joey Nails to puke on you?

M: Absolutely not! No more Evil Dead movies for you, young lady!

T: *softly stroking Joey and whispering in his ear* It’s ok, he’s not angry—for now.


The heads of a rival family.

M: Um, so why does Joey puke on people?

T: He only does it to the bad people—the bad listeners.

M: O-ok.

T: Good night, daddy.

M: Y-you need anything else, honey?

T: I said, “good night, daddy.”

M: *Looking at Joey* Yes, dear.


I don’t know what the Unicorn Mafia puts in your bed to send a message, but I haven’t slept in days.